Gentle clouds drift like nomads
Past contentment’s peaceful rays,
And the time patters quickly
Like bare feet on summer days.
But Friday’s tumult threatens,
Storm clouds gather to the fray
And the weekend breaks.
Barometric pressure plunges
In a storm tormented race,
Horizons darken sullenly
Rain obscures the sea's face
As we battle lost and seasick
Through the weekend’s churning pace,
Seeking shelter.
At last, amidst the chaos
We can see calm waters peeping
Sense relief within our ear drums
From the glass's upward creeping
Though our knees are weakly weary
And our eyes are red with weeping,
We’ve survived.
Exhausted now we creep
Out of Sunday’s frantic tumble
Desperate for some respite
In the storm clouds distant rumble
Gathering what strength we have
Before the headlong stumble
Into Monday.
Please feel free to comment and critique! And please check back to dVerse for more metaphorical poems!
7 comments:
I really like the form of this, seven line stanzas with an abcbdb rhyme scheme and a little thought to follow - quite delightful. Some nice poetic devices used - I like the alliteration of
Barometric pressure plunges
The rhyme is a little off in S2
race/surface/pace - surface is throwing it out so I'd suggest you try and use another word there as the stress is in the wrong place for the rhyme to work. How about
Rain obscures sea's face
peeping/easing/weeping isn't a true rhyme, you can get away with it but I think it would be a shame as the rest of your rhymes are really strong.
Enjoyed the metaphor and the imagery in this.
Carys
Yes-- very beautiful, Zoe. You might find Luke Prater's experience with form very helpful-- liked Carys's comments very much...xxxxj
i just had a wonderful long holiday and will go back to work on monday...ha - so i could FEEL it...i like carys suggestions a lot and i too like the imagery in this zoe...happy weekend
Life on the treadmill..life in the rat race..but there are far worse places to do it than under the never ending blue skies of Perth and with such cheap fares to Bali as well:)
Good to see an Aussie chick writing such impressive 'pomes'!
Thank you, Carys - your comments are very helpful. I will make the changes you suggest. Jen - I will def check him out too! Claudia - we were in the unfortunate situation of work being the quiet part of the week - the weekend was mayhem. However, this poem made us realise and make some changes, so thankfully I do enjoy my weekends now!
Rallentanda, you are so right! We are totally blessed to be living in Perth, even without having set foot in Bali yet!
Thank you all for your kind comments - i enjoyed reading your thoughts and suggestions. :D
I love the feeling of the storm in this piece - made me feel like I was aboard a ship fighting to get through the weekend
nicely done Zoe
lovely emotions shared.
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