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Saturday, August 20, 2011

Weekend

Gentle clouds drift like nomads

Past contentment’s peaceful rays,

And the time patters quickly

Like bare feet on summer days.

But Friday’s tumult threatens,

Storm clouds gather to the fray

And the weekend breaks.

Barometric pressure plunges

In a storm tormented race,

Horizons darken sullenly

Rain obscures the sea's face

As we battle lost and seasick

Through the weekend’s churning pace,

Seeking shelter.

At last, amidst the chaos

We can see calm waters peeping

Sense relief within our ear drums

From the glass's upward creeping

Though our knees are weakly weary

And our eyes are red with weeping,

We’ve survived.

Exhausted now we creep

Out of Sunday’s frantic tumble

Desperate for some respite

In the storm clouds distant rumble

Gathering what strength we have

Before the headlong stumble

Into Monday.


Please feel free to comment and critique! And please check back to dVerse for more metaphorical poems!

7 comments:

rockp88l said...

I really like the form of this, seven line stanzas with an abcbdb rhyme scheme and a little thought to follow - quite delightful. Some nice poetic devices used - I like the alliteration of

Barometric pressure plunges

The rhyme is a little off in S2

race/surface/pace - surface is throwing it out so I'd suggest you try and use another word there as the stress is in the wrong place for the rhyme to work. How about

Rain obscures sea's face

peeping/easing/weeping isn't a true rhyme, you can get away with it but I think it would be a shame as the rest of your rhymes are really strong.

Enjoyed the metaphor and the imagery in this.

Carys

jen revved said...

Yes-- very beautiful, Zoe. You might find Luke Prater's experience with form very helpful-- liked Carys's comments very much...xxxxj

Claudia said...

i just had a wonderful long holiday and will go back to work on monday...ha - so i could FEEL it...i like carys suggestions a lot and i too like the imagery in this zoe...happy weekend

Rallentanda de Nova said...

Life on the treadmill..life in the rat race..but there are far worse places to do it than under the never ending blue skies of Perth and with such cheap fares to Bali as well:)
Good to see an Aussie chick writing such impressive 'pomes'!

Zoe said...

Thank you, Carys - your comments are very helpful. I will make the changes you suggest. Jen - I will def check him out too! Claudia - we were in the unfortunate situation of work being the quiet part of the week - the weekend was mayhem. However, this poem made us realise and make some changes, so thankfully I do enjoy my weekends now!
Rallentanda, you are so right! We are totally blessed to be living in Perth, even without having set foot in Bali yet!
Thank you all for your kind comments - i enjoyed reading your thoughts and suggestions. :D

moondustwriter said...

I love the feeling of the storm in this piece - made me feel like I was aboard a ship fighting to get through the weekend
nicely done Zoe

The Gooseberry Garden said...

lovely emotions shared.